Catastrophist.failz

I heard a new word today, and apparently it’s a real one.

Catastrophist: an individual who automatically over demoralizes or destructs the self in irrelevant or non significant situations.  I am one.

I received the first assignment of the semester back this afternoon.  It was a 500 word rewrite of a piece of fiction we wrote for our Creative Writing Workshop.  Having never been ‘graded’ on creative work, I found it very odd that Atima, our professor, announced at the beginning of class that some of us would be surprised by the grades on our cover sheets.  Immediately, I was rattled, absolutely shaken.  My mind was filled with thoughts like, “sweet, I failed my first assignment,” and “might as well stop caring for the rest of the semester because I clearly don’t belong.”  This is nothing new.  I constantly think things like this even at the slightest hint of misstep or flaw; I am used to such thoughts pervading my mind and swallowing me up for great amounts of time. 

Of course, we didn’t get them back until the very end of class.  So, when the time was up and she passed the papers back, asking that we speak with her about any of her comments or argue any of her points, the very last thing I wanted to do was sit in the classroom I had already been in for 2.5 hours.  Turns out, I had a reason to stay.  On the bottom of the page: B.  B.  B.  I see it a hundred times over and it doesn’t grab a plus sign or become an A.  Something has gone horribly wrong.

My first thought: “London was a mistake.  I shouldn’t be here.  I made a big error in choosing to come here because I don’t understand what I’m doing.”

How wrong is that?  In what sort of mind frame would it actually be okay to jump to such a polarized position?  I get a B and the only thing keeping me from throwing myself down the stairs is that I don’t want to make a mess for anyone else.  The worst part, I can’t stop thinking about it SIX HOURS LATER.

I thought about it the entire tube ride home.  It was crushing. 

I remember being in the 8^th grade and seeing a B+ in Social Studies and not wanting to eat or drink or thing because I didn’t think I deserved it, “Hold On” by Good Charlotte playing in the background.  Neurotic might as well be my middle name.

Maybe catastrophist would be a better one?